I have been in between two blogs. I have tried to separate the past from the present and the aspired future. It has made me feel stuck. I think I need to link them if I want to move on. I have been avoiding this: Secret
I want to be left alone first and foremost. Any contact from any family member is not something I want now. I need to focus on me. I need to build something new, from scratch. I am not too far from the scratch. I am on fragile new ground. I am in a delicate relationship in a fluctuating world. I don’t want to just survive it. I don’t know what’s next.
I think I am hurting a great deal. I don’t want to go out and get anything. I want to feel safe at home. My partner isn’t working and so it is frustrating for him. I don’t want to just go out because I feel I was told to. I do not have the motivation to go and make Berlin my conquest now. Nothing that made sense makes sense anymore. My value system is different. I don’t feel like fleeing but parts of me are withdrawing. What matters to me?
Am I just living in a fantasy world? Again. I was just thinking yesterday how once my relationship with my muse ended I felt reborn and plopped into the real world. A world that I was enjoying from scratch. I feel very much like a child. I just want food, games, fun and cuddles. In an adult world that is secondary. In our society one must have an individual identity and job. I don’t give a shit anymore. I really don’t care about anything other than relationships but first and foremost ME! Nobody will take care of me except me. So I want to take this time to devote myself to myself.